Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
