I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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