He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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