ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
