Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
