I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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