Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
