the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
