Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
