if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
