apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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