I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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