Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Can vaginas get frostbite?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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