He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
