somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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