how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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