im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
