I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Randomize
