i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
