i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
