apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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