My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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