Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
two words: eviction party
birth control should be required to get into college
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
