Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
