You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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