I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
