i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Semen is not good for contacts.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
