hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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