like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
