Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
