I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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