if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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