btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
