Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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