I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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