Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I deserve this hangover.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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