I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
