I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
