thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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