wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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