I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
