i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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