flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
