No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
