He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
