she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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