we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You ruined the universe
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
