dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
