I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
