Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
